date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
This is the best one I’ve seen
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
This was a bad idea all around
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵