[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
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If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.