Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed