My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I just tested negative for patience.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”