[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
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I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
So the ex texted me
Am I having a stroke?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
What a chick magnet..
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I can fix him.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road