I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
The pen is writier than the sword.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”