Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in