People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”