me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen