*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”