My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
You Might Also Like
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
secret recipe
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.