The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
British people be like I’m Bri ish
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
man i love columbo
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot