This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
You Might Also Like
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!