*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-