Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
You Might Also Like
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
My Sentiments Exactly
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move