Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.