BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Worth the read.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering