Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
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*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.