Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.