nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?