You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
You Might Also Like
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Not my job 😂
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.