My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
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Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
being a writer on Twitter:
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
DOOO EEEET
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”