I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
what could possibly go wrong?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…