May your day taste like creamy soup.
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Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.