Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
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*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.