Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
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What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Message from the dog groomers
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?