My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
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-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Saw your ex at the shops
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.