FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
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BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Never go to sleep after making me angry
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.