Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
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I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
next level snooze
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so