Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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The funk soul brother
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.