A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
emergency phone
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.