I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
You learn something every day
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.