Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars