I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
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My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”