“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
You Might Also Like
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”