*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*