Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
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5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Who chose this font
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}