Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
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Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
groan^2
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?