How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
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¯_(ツ)_/¯
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.