Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
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[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me