I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box