whenever i wake up before my alarm
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Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
what’s the point then??
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?