4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
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Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Happy thanksgiving!
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?