[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part