I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
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Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
they finally got him. they got macavity
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.