I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
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What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Van Gone
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.