If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
You Might Also Like
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
What an awful time to have common sense.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
dude it’s called proctologist
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Always
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]