you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
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Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
That’s fair
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.