Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
When you don’t understand how floors work
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*