Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.